Improving Your Marriage
Little Tricks to Make Your Marriage Much, Much Happier
Harville Hendrix, PhD
The path to a more loving relationship is tread with small steps -- with an unexpected compliment... the touch of a hand... or a call just to say "hello." You can spend thousands of dollars on a big anniversary bash for your spouse, but the celebration won't mean much if you haven't said "I love you" on the other days of the year.
Some little things that can make your marriage better...
Honor "otherness." The longer we're married, the more we tend to forget that we're married to another person. We begin to think of our spouses as extensions of ourselves -- then we get frustrated when they act in ways that we wouldn't. We say things like, "Why would you do something like that?" or "How can you think that?" These reactions overlook the fact of difference, that our partners are not a part of us and that they have their own reality.
"Otherness" is part of being married -- no two people are completely compatible. Be curious about these differences, not critical. Ask your spouse why he holds an opinion or took a certain action. Don't make him feel that he is wrong. Validate the opinion or action with a response such as, "I can see the sense of that."
Eliminate negativity. If there's something about your relationship or your partner's behavior that you don't like, it rarely helps to complain about it. Instead, ask for what you want.
Examples: Rather than say, "You never take me out to eat," try, "I'd like it if we went out to eat more." Instead of "We don't have sex anymore," say, "I'd like us to have sex more often." Then turn your statement into a dialogue by adding, "What do you think?" This approach makes it less likely that your partner will feel attacked and more likely that you'll get what you want. Strive to eliminate negativity -- it injures your partner and ruptures your connection. Requests change behavior more often than complaints.
Make the bedroom a problem-free zone. Everyone needs a place where he can feel safe and happy. If you and your spouse agree to ban arguments and serious discussions from the bedroom, you will end each day together in a place of serenity. Select another place in your home for serious discussions, such as the living room -- and set a time limit on those discussions.
Acknowledge the little things your partner does for you. Perhaps your spouse makes you breakfast every morning or changes the oil in your car. You might consider such chores to be his responsibilities, but that doesn't free you from your responsibility to express thanks. It's wonderful to have someone in your life who does things for you. The fact that your partner helps you out on a regular basis makes his efforts even more worthy of praise, not something to be ignored. Helpful: When you express gratitude for your spouse's contributions, say it like you mean it and be specific about what you appreciate. A heartfelt statement such as, "I love that you look at me when I am talking. Thank you," means more than an offhand "Thanks."
Take the initiative. We forget that feelings of tenderness between partners don't just happen -- we must take the initiative to remind our spouses that we still love them. What you do to accomplish this isn't terribly important, so long as you do something daily that shows your spouse you're thinking of him. Call her from work on your lunch hour just to say "hello"... bring him a cup of coffee in the morning... or touch her shoulder and say, "I love you," as you walk by.
Touch your partner the way he likes to be touched. Sharing a touch makes us feel closer to each other -- yet few couples take the time to enjoy each other's touch in nonsexual ways. Some people like back rubs... others prefer foot rubs or just a touch on the face. If you're not sure what your partner likes, ask him. Make touch an everyday routine until it becomes second nature.
Laugh together. Share a funny anecdote or cartoon. Do whatever it takes to laugh with your spouse on a regular basis, even if it’s simply watching a humorous movie or television show together. Emotional memories stay with us on a much deeper level than other memories. If you laugh often with your spouse, the whole emotional center of your lives together will improve.
Receive compliments well. Many people don't know how to handle a compliment. If you say that you like his shirt, he might say, "Oh, it's old." People brush off compliments because they have inner doubts about their abilities or they're trying to be modest. If you regularly dismiss compliments from your spouse, you'll hurt his feelings, strain your relationship and bring the compliments to an end. Instead say, "Thank you. I like hearing that and appreciate your noticing." Let your spouse's compliment in and accept the warmth being sent your way.
Harville Hendrix, PhD
The path to a more loving relationship is tread with small steps -- with an unexpected compliment... the touch of a hand... or a call just to say "hello." You can spend thousands of dollars on a big anniversary bash for your spouse, but the celebration won't mean much if you haven't said "I love you" on the other days of the year.
Some little things that can make your marriage better...
Honor "otherness." The longer we're married, the more we tend to forget that we're married to another person. We begin to think of our spouses as extensions of ourselves -- then we get frustrated when they act in ways that we wouldn't. We say things like, "Why would you do something like that?" or "How can you think that?" These reactions overlook the fact of difference, that our partners are not a part of us and that they have their own reality.
"Otherness" is part of being married -- no two people are completely compatible. Be curious about these differences, not critical. Ask your spouse why he holds an opinion or took a certain action. Don't make him feel that he is wrong. Validate the opinion or action with a response such as, "I can see the sense of that."
Eliminate negativity. If there's something about your relationship or your partner's behavior that you don't like, it rarely helps to complain about it. Instead, ask for what you want.
Examples: Rather than say, "You never take me out to eat," try, "I'd like it if we went out to eat more." Instead of "We don't have sex anymore," say, "I'd like us to have sex more often." Then turn your statement into a dialogue by adding, "What do you think?" This approach makes it less likely that your partner will feel attacked and more likely that you'll get what you want. Strive to eliminate negativity -- it injures your partner and ruptures your connection. Requests change behavior more often than complaints.
Make the bedroom a problem-free zone. Everyone needs a place where he can feel safe and happy. If you and your spouse agree to ban arguments and serious discussions from the bedroom, you will end each day together in a place of serenity. Select another place in your home for serious discussions, such as the living room -- and set a time limit on those discussions.
Acknowledge the little things your partner does for you. Perhaps your spouse makes you breakfast every morning or changes the oil in your car. You might consider such chores to be his responsibilities, but that doesn't free you from your responsibility to express thanks. It's wonderful to have someone in your life who does things for you. The fact that your partner helps you out on a regular basis makes his efforts even more worthy of praise, not something to be ignored. Helpful: When you express gratitude for your spouse's contributions, say it like you mean it and be specific about what you appreciate. A heartfelt statement such as, "I love that you look at me when I am talking. Thank you," means more than an offhand "Thanks."
Take the initiative. We forget that feelings of tenderness between partners don't just happen -- we must take the initiative to remind our spouses that we still love them. What you do to accomplish this isn't terribly important, so long as you do something daily that shows your spouse you're thinking of him. Call her from work on your lunch hour just to say "hello"... bring him a cup of coffee in the morning... or touch her shoulder and say, "I love you," as you walk by.
Touch your partner the way he likes to be touched. Sharing a touch makes us feel closer to each other -- yet few couples take the time to enjoy each other's touch in nonsexual ways. Some people like back rubs... others prefer foot rubs or just a touch on the face. If you're not sure what your partner likes, ask him. Make touch an everyday routine until it becomes second nature.
Laugh together. Share a funny anecdote or cartoon. Do whatever it takes to laugh with your spouse on a regular basis, even if it’s simply watching a humorous movie or television show together. Emotional memories stay with us on a much deeper level than other memories. If you laugh often with your spouse, the whole emotional center of your lives together will improve.
Receive compliments well. Many people don't know how to handle a compliment. If you say that you like his shirt, he might say, "Oh, it's old." People brush off compliments because they have inner doubts about their abilities or they're trying to be modest. If you regularly dismiss compliments from your spouse, you'll hurt his feelings, strain your relationship and bring the compliments to an end. Instead say, "Thank you. I like hearing that and appreciate your noticing." Let your spouse's compliment in and accept the warmth being sent your way.
posted by Dr. Joe at 5:54 AM
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